Crossroads

Sitting there in the bathtub in a last ditch effort at a cure for what I thought was an infection, I realized I had a choice. Let whatever was ailing me run its course or go see a doctor. Six years later, I can say I made the right one. That's what I like to tell myself anyway.

I'd be a fool to say I hate my life. Although it's not one marked with privilege, it's safe and comfortable with the occasional round of fun. Movies, books, and pop culture say I'm missing something, especially since I'm young, single and in the big, bad city. Some relationships are irreplaceable and you regret when you lose them, whether or not you had say in the outcome. The best you can hope to accomplish is create a patchwork of new people and interests in an attempt to make the most of the aftermath. It's not ideal, but it works - for the most part.

There are those who like to talk about fate or destiny and when they do, you realize just how much of an inflated sense of self they have. It seems the only people who like talking in these terms are those who feel the world revolves around their actions - that they are graced or blessed. Inflating one's place in the universe is definitely one way to avoid feeling insignificant and can be a powerful motivator. It's pretty amazing what one person can accomplish once they set their mind to it, no matter what means they used for inspiration.

I don't have to wonder what would have happened had I chosen the other route after that night in the bathtub. "You'd be dead," I was told once by someone I admire. Looking back, I am reminded of a quote from Shakespeare: "For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come." In the back of my mind, I like to hope they're good ones, or at least better than the ones I have now. After all, it would be nice to get some sleep, you know.

Game Night Quotes

Last night, I went to a game night at the apartment of one of the other guys from the godless meetups I attend. I was fine at the beginning of the night when we started playing Uno. However, as the night wore on it became very clear we needed more choices in games than the ones we had on hand.

Some conversations/quotes from the evening:

“I knew it was you!” the host told me as I walked in.
“How’d you know it was me?”
“You like to knock softly so you don’t want to offend anyone.”

Hrm. I never noticed that.

These were all from one guy during games of 'Uno' and 'Careers,' which is a board game about, you guess it, careers:

“We should play strip Uno.”
“So, who’s in for strip poker?”
“How about we play strip ‘Careers’?”
“Ever play strip Chess?”
"Oh, forget this. We should all just strip."

I was wondering why he was so obsessed with stripping in an alcohol-free setting when I realized that he had spent the last three months building up muscle. Fortunately, the host quelled any notions of anyone getting naked this night by declaring his apartment a strip-free zone.

Here's more from the same guy as 'Careers' wore on:

“I hate these games of chance where you only do well because of what came up on the die when you rolled.”
Same guy, thirty minutes later.
“Check it out, everyone. I’m going to win. See, look. This is me winning. Hey, everyone. Check this out, I’m close to winning! This is awesome. I’m going to win.”
Same guy, five minutes later.
“Hey everyone, I won! I won!”
“What? How did you win? It’s not even your turn.” the host said, annoyance hanging on every word.
“I just sold some of my ‘Opportunity Cards’ for cash and now I’ve got enough cash for the win.”
“Actually, we haven't agreed to anything and I'm not selling," said the potential seller.
“Oh, never mind. I didn’t win. But I’m close! I’m close!”
When the game finally ended he turned to the winner and followed up with:
"Congratulations on winning. I almost had you though. I just needed one more roll and I would have won. I would have beat you. I just ... uh... yeah... almost had you. Next time. Yeah, next time."

At one point, Siri became the official attention-getter of the night when one of the few women present cratered to the crowd after attempting to remain above the fray:

“Siri, can you find me a man wh0re?”
“Siri, can you get me l4id?”

Oddly, the same place of business came up both times in Siri's search results. It was an escort service not far from where we were. We tried calling the number, but it had been disconnected.

The following was from the same woman with Siri. In her defense, she had been up since 5:30 am due to work:

“I’m fading fast guys. I should leave.”
Ten minutes later.
“I’m really fading. You have no idea how bad.”
Ten minutes later.
“No, really, I’m faded and done. I should go.”
Ten minutes later.
“Ugh. I’m so tired. You have no idea what my day was like. Really.”
Ten minutes later.
“I’m fading. No, really, I’m done this time. I should go.”
Ten minutes later....
“I’m so tired... I’m fading... You have no idea what it's like.”

And so on and so forth. Personally, I wouldn't have waited that long to leave. She was actually still there after I left.

Same woman again:

“I am so over playing this game. Really, guys. I just want this to be over. I want to play something else. Is there something else we can play? I’m so bored.”

She said this several times for both Uno and Careers. For Uno, it took about five minutes before she said something. For Careers, it took 20 minutes, but then it was non-stop.

“This is so stupid. There aren’t enough ‘Opportunity Cards’ to go around. They should have put more in.”
“I already told you. The game was designed for four players, not eight. That's why there aren't enough cards to go around.” I said.
“I know. I just wanted to say it again.”

Shoot me now.

Learning Calculus

One of the subjects I never learned in school was calculus. As a liberal arts major, it was simply never necessary. With production moving more toward the web, I can see I need to brush up on my math and basic programming skills to survive — or at least have an opportunity at something more than a basic production gig. Fortunately, I'm not beyond learning this. It just takes time and dedication.

When I was trying to learn Javascript a couple of years ago, I eventually ran into a brick wall because I needed to refresh my math skills if I was going to get anywhere with scripting. So how to rectify this oversight in my education? Well, either go to school or learn it myself.

Three chapters in my book on calculus and I'm learning I need to go back and brush up on my math skills. It's mostly review at this point, but I still have to go over it to make sure I still understand it. The good news is that it's only taken me a single day to get back up to pre-Algebra. The bad news is I've got a ways to go and not a lot of time to get there.

Father Figures

Last night while out swing dancing, I ran into a guy who had stopped coming to the godless meetups I've been a part of this past year. "Why did you stop going?" I asked him. He pulled me off to the side, wanting to get off the dance floor and into a quieter spot. The last thing he wanted was to offend any of the many religious people there, some of whom we both call friends.

"I stopped coming to the meetups because I got tired of hearing the same stupid argument every time."

I've been tempted to stop going to the meetups lately because I've been getting bored of hearing it myself. The idea that religion is bad and a world without religion is a better place no longer flies with me. It is my experience as a UU who still has friends in the Episcopal church that has reinforced this position.

Much of my current thinking has come from my Build Your Own Theology class and listening to passionate speeches of spiritual experiences from my fellow UUs. What I know about religious thought is most brains are hardwired to believe in some type of greater being, whether true or not. I read a scientific study about this last year — no surprise considering they have a study on everything it seems, so there are facts to back me up.

Psychologically, it is because we like the idea of parental figures who are more powerful and wiser than any one we know will ever be. When you declare yourself an atheist, you are rejecting the idea you need a parental figure, i.e. God(s) to watch over you and keep you in line. With Christianity, atheists are rejecting a father figure. I wonder how many atheists have problems with father figures, but this hypothesis is easy to dismiss as conjecture. When I wanted god the most was when the person I long fought, my father, had passed away. I wanted so much to have his presence back in my life, that I went to a Christian church to honor that feeling.

The commandment to honor thy mother and father makes sense because, you are, in essence, honoring your creators. Your gods, if you will. Most believers aren't willing to reject this idea of all-powerful parental figures because they feel they need rules and commandments of their parents. In the case of the Bible, it is wisdom that has been passed down for centuries. There is something to be said about the enduring power of a piece of literature that has successfully thrived for as long as it has.

When someone says they need god, what they are saying to an atheist is they need parental guidance. Atheism, at its core, turns away from the parental figure. Basically, atheists are saying 'We've grown up and left the house. We don't need dad.'

Scripture is wisdom passed down from the ages and reinforces this parental guidance thanks to stories that are relatively easy to grasp with some thought and guidance. With all the 'evil' details in the scriptures, it's no wonder the Catholic church spent centuries ensuring the masses couldn't read it. It was one of the many methods of control used by the church to keep its tithing revenue stream flowing. After all, at its very core, religion is still a business that requires money to survive. The Church will do anything to protect its interests — here, it uses a complex set of psychological tools under the umbrella of religion to maintain control over you.

The church itself, an institution of religion, is a meeting place of like-minded individuals who share a set of beliefs and values. There, authority figures make parishioners feel important in what is essentially a community safe-house. Parishioners reinforce that feeling given to them by authority figures and bring newcomers in that way. After all, why would you want to go to a community hostile to what you believe in? Also, why would you want someone in your community who doesn't believe in what you believe in? This is why I'm starting to reject atheists groups in favor of being around more Unitarian Universalists — they accept both my non-belief AND tolerance toward all religions.

Also, I'm tired of listening to all the intellectual posturing that goes on at godless meetups. You get a bunch of atheists in the room and they are all trying to one up the other with intellectual gamesmanship. It's really silly, actually. They all seem like they (we?) are acting as if they are gods themselves. In a way, they are right. We are ALL gods. However, that's no excuse for such behavior.

"Atheists like to think they're smart, but there are a lot of dumb ones at the meetups who didn't arrive at atheism through critical or logical thinking."

These are the ones who grew up never having god because it was never a part of their thought process. These are the ones who are also most likely to convert to a religion at some point, possibly even believing in god. I was once of them myself, but the kinder, gentler agnostic version. I went through a long period of thought and study that took me away from doubting believer and back to agnostic atheism (Yes, that's a real term) and it makes a difference.

Many atheists like to somehow think they are intellectually superior to believers because they were able to get away from this need for dad. This is the hardline position and these are the ones most likely to denigrate religion. They are also the ones who probably grew up strongly religious and rejected it on intellectual grounds. This idea that atheists are somehow smarter is ridiculous.

If anything, atheists simply grew up with different experiences not requiring a parent. They didn't need the stories depicted in scripture for guidance or comfort. They didn't need a father figure because they were getting everything they already needed, be it intellectually, emotionally, economically, or socially, with little direction from an authority figure. Generally, these were the types who pulled up their boot straps and got work done and achieved some type of success without believing. You'll see this in a lot of non-religious people, actually.

I am willing to bet someone, believer or non-believer alike, who has everything they need and are content with life will probably feel at one time or another they no longer need god. The ramifications of this is what is taught in the Book of Mormon, if you want to get to the core teachings of that particular scripture. In it, the Nephites are constantly becoming a better society through belief, only to collapse every time they 'dwindle in non-belief.' When the idea of success is equated with belief, it's no wonder many successful believers, in this case Mormons, will attribute that to the parental figure of god, which makes it difficult to leave dad behind.

It seems the more insecure or doubt you feel with ANY aspect of yourself or your life, the more dire your straights, the more likely you are to need dad. In fact, if you look at advertising talking about religion or talk to those higher up in any given religion, this is the psychological tactic used to bring people into the fold. It's easy to see how one can move back to theism once you understand this idea of father figures in religion. They just want the comfort and rules of home. Who doesn't?

The answer to that question is simple: atheists.

The Other Class

I have now missed three autocross practices in a row for the first time since I started racing competitively back in 2006. I missed the November practice because my aunt wanted the family together to honor the one year passing of my grandfather. The last two have been because of the other class I've been taking at church. This one is "Our Whole Lives," a UU course on human sexuality. 

O.W.L., as it's called, is eight four-hour classes that we take on Saturdays. This version of the class is different from previous ones taught because the young adult (ages 18-35) and adult (35 on up) curricula have been combined. I hesitated on signing up because I had already devoted ten Sundays to my 'Build Your Own Theology' class.

"Oh, come on, just sign up. You know you want to," said one of the facilitators a I hovered over the sign-up sheet. There were only a limited number of spots, so signing up early was the only way I would be guaranteed a spot. I had no problem getting in since I signed up at church instead of over Facebook.

I was expecting the class to be more like a traditional one where we were being lectured to out of a textbook. That idea was shattered the second I walked into the room to find the chairs arranged in a circle. This was going to be much more intimate than I was expecting. Part of me wanted to run out of the room screaming out of stage fright. Instead, I filled out my name tag and took a seat, curiosity getting the better of me.

I was somewhat familiar with some of the ideas we would be talking about from high school Biology class, a Psychology class I had taken in college, and various surveys and questionnaires I've taken when signing up for matchmaking sites over the years. However, with a combined 32 hours of classroom time ahead, I took note this was probably going to be a lot more intense study of human sexuality than I bargained for.

Like BYOT, we are asked to respect everyone's privacy by not talking about what anyone says outside the room. This allows everyone to speak to each other in a frank, open manner. We are under no obligation to say anything we feel uncomfortable with others knowing and can opt out of any activity without penalty. The number one rule, though, is that 'everyone is both a student and teacher.'

So what do we cover in 32 hours? As of my fifth class, plenty. Topics have included, but are not limited to, Physiology, Psychology, Sociology, Sexuality, Attraction, Relationships, Communication, Sex, Intimacy, and Break-Ups. Activities have ranged from individual and group exercises, both verbal and written, to games and anonymous surveys. We have also done play-acting and story-telling as well. No hands-on, though. That's for your own private explorations.

I was worried my limited sexual experiences would be a liability in the class, but hasn't proven to be the case. Instead I've learned immensely from what the others in the mostly female class have had to say about the topic. It's been a fun, often hilarious, class thanks to several class clowns (I believe two of the women whom I attend class with have done improv) with the right amount of seriousness when necessary. I'm already planning on skipping autocross practice one last time next month for another chance to be with them all. I never thought I would ever say that about racing cars.

"Content"

I had an interview with a personal finance coach today. The problem I have always had when it comes to money is that I've never been motivated to make a lot of it. I have never seen a need for it. The word the coach used to describe me at the end of our interview was 'content.' I had never heard anyone ever call me that.

I have understood for years in order make a lot of money, you have to be willing to incur risk in addition to what is referred to as 'smart debt.' This was the message my father was trying to instill in me before he passed away several years ago. Although I understand the concepts of assets, liabilities, risk and smart debt, the difference between my father and I is that he wanted to become rich. I always wanted to be an artist.

I like living a very simple, low-key life and can do a good job living within my means. This attitude permeates through everything in my life. I don't have a big residence. I don't have an expensive car. I don't have expensive clothes. I don't have a strong desire to travel the world. I don't need any of it.

The only things I really want are a companion to share my experiences with and a steady income to support myself. To be honest, I could do without the companion if she became a threat to my contentedness. Unfortunately, I'm guessing this doesn't make for a very interesting life, which is why this blog has a handful of readers instead of thousands.

The truth is, I don't care about money. I don't care about owning a big house. I don't care about owning a fancy car. I don't care about going to fancy restaurants. All I care about is telling stories, being a good friend, and participating in my favorite hobbies.

Although my hobbies cost money, I have learned to participate in them within my means rather than over-reaching. While my income situation is currently tenuous, I feel this is more of a short-term problem than a long-term one. Unfortunately, a personal finance coach can't help someone like me because I have little motivation to move beyond my current situation.

If anything, I gained more wisdom today with this interview. Unfortunately, wisdom doesn't pay the bills. It just gives me something else to blog about.